Anticipatory Grief at 25:Grieving My Dad While He’s Still Here.

Whew, no one talks about how you can still grieve an old version of your parent while they’re still alive, and truthfully, I never thought it would come this fast, especially at the age of 25.

It’s August 2nd as I write this, and I’m still processing everything that’s changed in just the past few weeks. My latest podcast episode on anticipatory grief dropped in July, but honestly, the feelings haven’t faded and are still very much real. They keep showing up in waves, sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes right in the middle of a regular day.

The version that was lively, verbal, and so care free, and now the days consist of doctor visits, tube feedings, and communicating in ways we never have before. It’s hard. Having so much to say but not knowing how to say it. Forgiving, reflecting, and accepting this is how life will look like. I wish there was more I could do, from here.

Anticipatory grief is something I never even heard of, for real. I would think about this day but I truly never expected to experience this so young, but here I am, learning in real time what it means to say goodbye to the parent I once knew, while still being alive.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

What really is it? According to Psychology Today, “anticipatory grief is the feeling of loss that happens before death or another significant loss occurs, often experienced when a loved one is facing a serious illness or life-altering change”. 

For me though, it means letting go of the resentment I have towards my dad while still grieving. My dad, once so lively and always pouring into others, has become fragile and weak after multiple strokes. He’s now nonverbal, eats through a feeding tube, and is nothing like the hard working, adventurous man I remember. It’s hard not going to lie. Very hard.

A rare image of Papi at an elementary school event for my little sister. He was always documenting the small moments, and honestly, I think that’s where I get it from. Looking back, it’s memories like these that bring me comfort now.

Dreams, Memories, and Regret During Anticipatory Grief

Visiting my dad these days is heavy, especially since we don’t live in the same state. It’s not just the physical distance; it’s the reality that I can’t just pick up and go whenever I want. I have bills, responsibilities, school, and my son to care for, and I’m doing all of this on my own. Sometimes, I’ve faced criticism from my dad’s side of the family, being told I’m a terrible daughter or that my dad was perfect. But that was never the whole story. The guilt lingers, even though deep down I know I’m doing my best.

He can’t speak, his hands don’t work the same, and he looks so much older and more fragile than I ever could have imagined. When I finally got to hug him, I felt the difference. His body is soft and frail now, so unlike the dad I remember as a kid.

In that moment, words didn’t matter. We just hugged and cried. Sometimes, that’s all you can do: just be present, even when you can’t fix anything. This is what healing looks like. This is vulnerability. This is growth.

Processing Grief and Letting Go

I text my stepmom for updates now because my dad can’t use his phone anymore. Sometimes, I wish I was there more. Sometimes, I wish I could do more. But I know, deep down, I want peace for him, even if that means letting go. He’s back in the Dominican Republic now, his homeland, and I pray that’s where he’ll find comfort and rest. I know, because he’s a man of faith, that he’ll be okay.

Choosing Joy in the Grief

Even though this season is heavy, there’s joy and relief in sharing my story. Today, as I write this, I feel sad, but I also feel reassured. I’m not alone. God has been guiding me, and the Bible gives me wisdom and comfort for days like this. I’m also grateful for Josiah, my son, who reminds me every day that love can be healed and passed on. This morning, he left a drawing in my room of us together, a small, sweet reminder of how much love continues even through pain.

If You’re Experiencing Anticipatory Grief…

You’re not alone. Grief doesn’t just show up after a loss, it can creep in long before. Whether it’s for a parent, a relationship, or a season of life that’s ending, your feelings are real and valid. Take your time, honor the memories, and know that it’s okay to feel both sadness and gratitude at the same time.

Recently, I was reading a book on healing after grief when a family member told me I haven’t experienced real grief. I had to pause and remind them, and myself, that grief doesn’t only happen after death. I’ve experienced the loss of friendships, relationships, old versions of myself, and now this. Every loss brings its own kind of grief, and every journey is different.

Thank you for reading my story. If you’re navigating anticipatory grief or want to listen to more real confessions, check out my podcast The Real Confessions Podcast [here] or on your fav podcast platform. And if you’ve been through something similar, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Let’s heal, grow, and find joy together, even in the heaviness. My dm’s on IG are also always open <3